The ideas expressed in this article are only my own opinions, not verifiable fact. As the title should make abundantly clear, this is simply another confused man's ideas about women and how the two genders interact under certain circ*mstances. In no way should this information be taken to be absolutely true 100% of the time. In addition, the ideas in this article are rather heteronormative. I realize that some people find such a perspective narrow-minded and restrictive because it assigns certain predefined roles to men and women which they may prefer not to be confined to. I express these ideas not because I wish them to be true, but simply because in my own experience, they usually are true. There is still considerable debate and disagreement over whether the psychological and lifestyle differences between men and women are nature or nurture, i.e. whether women are genetically destined from birth to be more interested in "woman things" (and likewise for men) or whether they are simply taught to be that way by ideas implanted into their minds about gender roles from an early age. Regardless of which is the case--regardless of whether men are born "manly" and women born "womanly" or whether they are taught to be that way--the net effect is the same: Gender roles are pervasive in our society, and the person who wishes to meaningfully interact with the opposite gender has something to be gained by understanding these gender differences.
This information is obviously written for a man who is romantically interested in women. I write from this perspective mainly because it is my own, and thus I cannot speak first-hand from any other. If you are a hom*osexual man, you may still find some meaningful ideas in this article, but hom*osexual men interact with each other differently from how heterosexual men and women interact with each other. Likewise, women are welcome to read this article, but at its core, this is still an article for men who like women, by a member of that same group.
Okay, I give up.
I've said for some time now that I'm happy being alone. When I've said it, it hasn't been strictly true; it never was, and I've always known it. I've said it more as a sort of resignation than as an affirmation. I think I speak for most of my fellow intellectual men when I say: We're not happy being alone. We never really were. But we do what we must do.
Eventually, no matter how much you think you can go on being alone, that feeling will surface within you. The simple reality is that the world is a darker place when you're alone. You'll realize just how cold and empty everything--including yourself--is when you're alone. Just the act of being able to share something--anything--with someone else makes the world seem brighter: Colors become more vivid, beautiful things become actually beautiful, life seems worth living, and the things which troubled us seem to no longer matter as much. Having a good woman in our lives is capable of transforming the world in this way.
It's not just about sex. Indeed, often it isn't about sex at all. It's just about having someone to be with; someone to remain by your side, to stay with you always, to accompany you by day and to sleep with you by night. And I really do mean sleep with: Again, it really isn't about sex. It's just about being able, as you're going to sleep at night, to reach and and gently give them a reassuring squeeze, to remind yourself that they're there and vice-versa. It makes all the difference. It makes a world of difference. For something so simple, the difference is quite seriously life-altering in a profound way.
Women are more than just good company, as well. The presence of a woman fills a gap in the male mind: There is something in the typical male mind which misses something of the world, something which a woman is more likely to perceive. In everyday life, being with a woman makes a man's life richer and more nuanced, because she is able to point out to him the things that he might miss; a man tends to notice technical or practical details, while a woman is more likely to notice stylistic, psychological, or other more "human" details. The two types of perception and understanding complement each other. A man without a woman in his life is less of a person.
Being with a woman even makes it easier to form other social connections. I have consistently noticed that in public places, people are more open to my presence, less apprehensive about speaking with me, if I am in the company of a woman. There is something about a man with a woman that makes him more approachable than a man existing alone. Perhaps it's simply that people like to show off to women, and so talking to a man with a woman is a way of interacting with the woman by proxy, since she will likely be taking notice of what people are saying to her man. I suspect it also makes the man seem less threatening, since if a man is able to retain the company of a woman, he must have some level of social integration and is unlikely to be hopelessly socially inept, whereas a man by himself probably has a reason for being alone and may be suffering from a whole array of hidden mental or social disorders. In a very real sense, a good woman is a man's gateway to the larger world of society: couples are gladly welcomed into social circles because they are not threatening, while single men are typically perceived as having an agenda which may taint social gatherings.
Some people may find it particularly hilarious and ironic that a person like me is writing a guide like this, given that my own romantic history has been nothing short of disastrous. In a sense, however, this makes me more qualified to write a guide like this than someone who's been consistently successful in their relationships, since I have some pretty good ideas about what not to do. I wish to emphasize that this is not "The intellectual guy's guide to dating women," but merely "The intellectual guy's guide to women," as in understanding women. This guide will basically explain what makes an ideal female partner for an intellectual man, what the intellectual man needs to understand in order to cultivate such a partnership, and why such partnerships will never actually take place for the highly-intellectual man. This isn't a how-to guide; it's an aid to understanding, nothing more, which is perfect since understanding is exactly what the intellectual man wants to do.
I have never been a typical "man" in the mainstream stereotype of this image: I am not interested in football or any other kind of professional sports; I do not drink alcohol at all, I do not go to late-night parties, and I am not obsessed with carpentry or lawn care, though as an engineer I do have some passing interest in building techniques and the tools used in them. Nonetheless, there are things that are relatively inherent to the male mind that I certainly exhibit: A preference for logos over pathos, a tendency to idealize the perfect rather than the beautiful, and a general desire for personal growth and development (rather than a more nurturing sense of "happiness") in my everyday life. There are many things about me which tend to strike people as unique or bizarre, but I am still quite human, and thus I possess many of the common human traits, including the desire to both give and receive love. As such, while I make no claims to be a master of romance, or someone with any authority to tell people how to approach romantic relationships (or any other aspect of their life), I have had some catastrophically failed romantic relationships, and I believe that I can speak to men like me in offering some ideas about how relationships work for us. If you've ever thought that you've seen some of yourself in what I've written, then perhaps what I have to say about relationships will resonate--and perhaps even be helpful--for you.
This short "guide" is broadly divided into three parts: Determining what you want in a woman, finding someone, and maintaining a relationship. This article assumes that you are looking for a long-term relationship, since that is what an intellectual man usually wants; intellectual men are rarely interested in short-term dating or going to bed with as many women as possible. They usually seek stability and sustainability in a relationship with a woman, and so I've written everything below with the assumption that this is what you are looking for as well.
Part one: Determining what you want in a woman
The person who has not had success with long-term relationships typically feels that they are not picky, that they would want to be with anyone who would pay any attention to them. This frequently results in precisely this happening: They tend to try to settle down with the first person who is willing to do so, simply because that person didn't turn away from them like everyone else. Unfortunately, this is usually a recipe for disaster. As Omar Khayyám famously declared: "Better to starve than to eat just anything. Better to be alone than to be with just anyone." Similar quotes include "It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone," and "It's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone." Mathematically speaking, zero is still higher than a negative number, so if there's no one in your life, that's better than having someone in your life who will only bring you down and create more problems for you. Most people who have never been in a long-term relationship do not understand this, and will believe that love is enough to keep two people together. If only that were true.
The opposite problem is equally compelling: If you are too picky about what you want, you will never find someone who matches what you're looking for. People do tend to have ideas about what they want in a partner, and these ideas, if not kept realistic, will inevitably produce an ideal that is simply not humanly possible. Ideally, you want a partner who will pay attention to you whenever you feel lonely, and go mind their own business whenever you have something you want to do. The problem, of course, is that these moods are quite unpredictable in when, why, and how they happen, and it is literally impossible for two people's moods to be constantly in sync, no matter how close the two people are. Sometimes something will happen which makes one person happy, causing them to seek sympathy and comfort from the other, but the other person may be engaged in something which prevents them from devoting time or attention. People typically want to be in a relationship for selfish reasons: They want someone who will make them feel better. In reality, for a relationship to work in the long-term, it must be more about giving than receiving: You must be willing to make time for your partner even if you have something "important" to do or simply don't feel like devoting attention to them right now, and likewise, you must be willing to accept that they may not be emotionally available for you at the moment and unable to give you the attention you need. Sometimes things will work out and you'll both want attention and affection at the same time, but it won't always conveniently work out that way. When you can accept this idea and are willing to live with it for the rest of your life, you may be ready for a serious, long-term relationship.
Although I'm about to try to list some of the things that the intellectual man should look for in a partner, I want to make it clear that such lists are only a guideline, not a set of rules which must be followed. A woman is a human being, and as such, cannot be reduced to a checklist; you cannot simply come up with some "wish-list" of idealized properties for a woman to have and assume that anyone who does not meet every item on the list is not worth your time, nor should you assume that a person who does meet every criterion is your perfect partner. Even when people have a pretty clear mental picture of what kind of person they're attracted to, they tend to end up falling in love with someone who doesn't match their idealized dream. You fall in love with a person; you don't fall in love with a list of virtues. However, the inverse idea also has some relevance: It is possible to fall in love with a person because of their virtues, and while love based simply on the "feeling" of being in love is pleasant, it is unlikely to last. Love that is at least partly based on a person's set of positive qualities and two people's shared values is more likely to last out the long-term.
There are of course things that everyone wants from a partner, and since these wants vary from one person to another, it is important to understand what you really want ahead of time. Although looking for a relationship for entirely selfish reasons is likely to result in failure, one must be at least somewhat selfish when it comes to relationships--if you are not being fulfilled at all, then there is little point in being in a relationshp unless you really just want to serve someone else and are satisfied making someone else happy without getting anything in return. In addition, although you may develop a strong attraction to someone who doesn't match what you're looking for, those attractions may not last unless you understand not only what you're looking for, but why. Another important point to note is that in any relationship where people are looking for something in particular, it's important that the partner naturally be what the other person is looking for. People sometimes try to force themselves to be what the other is looking for, but if it's not natural--if being that sort of person is not in character with their usual self--then this cannot make for an effective or long-lasting relationship, since that means the partner is only acting like what the other person wants. It's like loving a mannequin, a fake representation of an ideal. It is much better for each person to simply be themselves, then discover whether the person who is "themselves" is what the other is looking for. In any case, this article is indeed written for intellectual men, and intellectual men do typically want a distinct set of qualities that is notably different from what other people want, so I'll focus on the things that are most important for intellectual men in their partners, because not only do these factors tend to generate attraction from intellectual men, but they also tend to promote long-term compatibility with intellectual men.
Intelligence
Hands-down, the single most distinguishing factor in any truly intellectual man's wish-list is intelligence. An intelligent woman can almost always attract a man's attention, and if she is more intelligent than him, she can keep his attention--sometimes for life.
One thing that I want to emphasize here is something that I've written many times in the past: "Intelligence" is not something a person is born with, but rather a chosen way of life. When I describe "intelligence," I don't mean being born gifted; I mean choosing to live in an intelligent way. Truly intelligent people usually watch little or no television, and rarely watch movies unless there is some point to doing so (meaning that movies are not something watched just to pass the time). True intelligence means preferring books to audiovisual media. It also means being broad-minded, able to appreciate not merely one field of intellectual endeavor, but most of the major ones, including History, Sociology, Psychology, Philosophy, Literature, Art, Music, Mathematics, and the major branches of Science (usually at least Physics, Chemistry, and Biology). Generally speaking, anyone who watches television on a daily or near-daily basis is probably not worth your time, and if she can't quote Plato, Aristotle, Dante, Hegel, Nietzsche, Foucault, Wittgenstein, Sartre, and Camus, then you're settling, dude. And that's only the start: Of course, being able to remember and repeat relevant quotes is nice, but far more important is the words of the woman herself: If a woman can't come up with original words of her own that would be worthy of being remembered, then she is not likely to be worth the intellectual man's time.
One nice thing about intelligence is that it can't be faked--at least, not for very long. In romantic relationships, people often fake all kinds of things: It's possible to fake an org*sm. It's possible to fake being in love. It's possible to fake caring about someone. But you can't fake intelligence; if a person is capable of exhibiting intelligent behavior and ideas, then obviously they are capable of intelligence. People who try to pretend intelligence usually quickly reveal themselves for what they really are. Over the long-term, you can't fake intelligence, nor can you fake true love. I've seen people try to fake both, and while you can keep up a pretty good facade for a little while, under close scrutiny--when you ask your head and your heart what's real--feigned wisdom and feigned love both fall apart very quickly.
That said, there are many different kinds of "intelligence," and different types of intelligence are of varying importance to different people. There are also different attributes which various intelligent people will exhibit to a greater or lesser degree. Generally, intelligence is the quality of being attentive, observant, perceptive, and insightful, but beyond this, I'll list below some particular aspects of intelligence which are especially important for intellectual men.
Curiosity
Intelligence without curiosity is like talent without drive: A gift wasted.
In this context, I don't just mean "curiosity" as in a passing interest in things in one's environment: Pausing to look at things which catch the eye (or other sensory organs). I mean "curiosity" as an ongoing, earnest desire to learn more about people and the universe. As I recetly mentioned in another post, the world's most interesting people tend to be those who can unite several different fields of intellectualism rather than being knowledgeable only in a single field. To an intellectual man, curiosity is a highly appealing trait in any woman. It's a suggestion that she may be willing to explore the world together with him, a hope that she will not get tired of the endless stream of ideas that he'll be constantly searching through and generating. A person who is not curious about everything has a dead mind, and can never be interesting to an intellectual man in the long-term.
Honesty
Some people say that a woman should retain a certain sense of mystery: That it makes a woman far more attractive and interesting in the long-term if there's something that a man doesn't quite know or understand about her, and that this intrigue, this sense of the unknown, is what makes women so appealing. I'm not sure if that is usually true in "normal" relationships, but this has never been the case for me, and I believe that this idea runs completely counter to everything that intellectualism stands for.
The intellectual man--indeed, the intellectual person, regardless of gender--seeks primarily clarity and understanding. The intellectual person lives for understanding. It is perhaps the most important thing in life to them. Understanding cannot flourish in an environment where mystery, secrecy, or any other lack of clarity exists. Contrary to many men who insist that a sense of mystery is alluring, I have always found it an instant turn-off if I find that a person is not being forthright and candid about their ideas, feelings, intentions, and motivations. The intellectual values honesty of all types--including brutal honesty, though moderating honesty by delivering difficult ideas tactfully may also be valuable. In order for any woman to be compatible with an intellectual man in the long-term, both he and she must be honest: honest with themselves, and honest with each other.
Assertiveness
One thing many intellectual men do not realize is that they want to be challenged. In many cases, they do not realize this because they never have been challenged by other people--often they themselves are the most intelligent person they know, and have hardly had the opportunity of meeting anyone who can out-think them, with the possible exception of schoolteachers and university professors.
A relationship between two people is not always a united team--it is not always two people with exactly the same ideas and goals, nor indeed should it be. One thing that any intellectual person needs is someone to question their ideas, an outsider who may be able to spot the gaps in their thinking, the flaws in their logic, and the incorrect assumptions they might have missed. To have this kind of peer checking is highly valuable for an intellectual, and for a man to have his thinking challenged in this way by a woman is an unforgettable experience, a glimmer of a suggestion that at last, he might have met someone who can be his equal.
In order for this need to be met, a woman must necessarily be forthcoming and assertive with her ideas. An intelligent person cares about spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Your ideal woman will make you feel bad about yourself for misuse of a comma or semicolon, not because she wants to bring you down, but simply because the appropriate use of intelligence is something important to her, and she's willing to make that known to you. Few intellectual men want a passive, compliant woman to simply keep the house and mind her own business; the intellectual man requires a woman who will regularly show him that he is not the only intellectual in the world.
Devotion
The highly-intellectual man is, almost without exception, a person with few or no close friends. Men do not attract many friends in the first place, because unlike women (whom people of both genders naturally want to be around), people are not naturally attracted to the company of men, unless those men are charismatic or wealthy. The highly-intellectual man, by his very nature, cannot be charismatic or wealthy, and so will not hold the attention of many people for very long.
This being the case, the highly-intellectual man necessarily focuses on depth rather than breadth in terms of his human relationships. The highly-intellectual man who has a girlfriend or wife will usually regard his female partner not merely as another friend to keep around, but an integral part of his life, someone with whom he wants to be with on a near-exclusive basis. He will usually want to be alone with her and exclusively with her. He does not like to be apart from her, nor does he like anyone else to be around to interfere with the intimacy of just the two of them.
This is a very difficult situation for a woman to find tenable in the long-term, because most women place great personal emphasis on spending time with a lot of other people. Few women are satisfied spending time with the same person all day, every day. Most women become bored and tired of that after a while.
There are a few reasons for this. One of the key reasons is because women love to care for life, and so they would rather look after a child or an animal than a grown man. Men are usually seen as the ones who should care for the women, so that the women can subsequently ignore the men and attend to the children instead. In most cases, women are more attached to their children or their pets than their men; this is because children and animals will give you love whenever you demand it: You can demand hugs and affection from a small child or from a dog anytime you wish, while men are not capable of being constantly "emotionally available." This is the selfish desire to "love": The desire to have a life form whom you can demand attention and affection from anytime you wish. Highly-intellectual men are usually not very interested in having children or pets, because you cannot have intelligent conversations with either of them; you cannot discuss Philosophy or the mysteries of life and the human psyche with either a child or a pet. The ideal woman for the highly-intellectual man must not want children or pets; she must be willing to devote herself entirely to the man. Of course, this works both ways: In order for a man to satisfy this desire in a woman, he must constantly be willing to give her all the attention and affection she wants; he must never turn her away.
Part two: Finding someone
This is the only part I can't really help you with at all.
The reality is that you really can't find the type of woman you're looking for anywhere. People might think that you can meet women like this in libraries, bookstores, coffee shops, or universities, but even in these places, such women are so exceedingly rare that actually trying to look for them there is basically a waste of time. You pretty much just have to wait until you meet these people. You can't look for them.
Indeed, I'm convinced that you can't find the kind of woman you're looking for, because they really don't exist. Women inherently want two things: Good feelings (typically love and happiness), and good company. They usually do not care whom they are with, as long as those people make them feel good about themselves and happy about their lives. Women love to talk and be with other people; it seems that just as men can think about intellectual things and play video games all day, woman can make small talk with friends all day and never get tired of it. The intellectual man abhors small talk, and wants a woman who talks when she has something to say: Someone who will speak when she has some profound and meaningful insight to offer about life, humanity, or the universe. Likewise, the intellectual man wants a woman who will be devoted to him and only to him, who will gladly spend time with no one else and be constantly by his side all day, every day. Finding a woman with both of these properties is essentially impossible since both of these properties run counter to what it means to be a woman. If, however, you are ever fortunate enough to find such a woman and forge a relationshp with her, then you must be willing to do what is necessary to keep the relationship going. That leads me to the final section...
Part three: Maintaining a relationship
Be accepting of the "feminine"
Men in general have a tendency to be extremely judgmental of their partners, quick to observe faults and slow to recognize virtues. This tendency is even more pronounced in the intellectual, because the intellectual strives for a certain idealized perfection in their thoughts, which naturally spills over into how they approach their everyday lives. They expect the people, places, and things about them to match an ideal they hold in their mind, and they usually will not hesitate to point out any flaws which mar what could otherwise be an "ideal."
If you're the subject of this kind of criticism, take comfort in it, because it means that the person criticising you sees you as worth it. To the true intellectual, most people are an absolute lost cause; most people are so far off from the ideal that trying to "correct" them through constructive criticism seems like trying to build an airplane out of scrap metal. It's just not worth the time or effort. If a perfectionist criticizes you, it's usually not a sign that they hold you in low regard, but precisely the opposite: They see promise and potential in you, and are trying to "fix" what's wrong with you because they think that with just a little work, you could be fantastic. If this happens to you, try to be appreciative of the effort to give you honest advice, but if you're not willing to take the advice, it's appropriate to simultaneously be politely firm that you are who you wish to be, and have no intention of changing yourself to meet the ideals of the person asking you to change.
If you're an intellectual man, however, you're more likely to be on the opposite side of that coin: You're more likely to be the one trying to change your partner to meet your own ideals. I've never been a fan of the idea that couples shouldn't change for each other; certainly, no person has the right to dictate what another person should be like or live like, but a serious relationship inevitably involves some amount of compromise, and at some point, you'll need to decide how important your various nuances are to yourself: Are they critical to you, or would you be willing to change them if it was important to someone who was important to you?
That said, one thing that nearly every man has in common, regardless of his background, is that he is not patient when it comes to things which are seen as classically "feminine." The cute, the frivolous, the silly, the shiny--these things have importance to women. They are not merely a waste of time (as the highly intellectual person tends to quickly dismiss them); they are a part of what makes a woman "feminine." Some people may dispute this claim; some people may insist that it's possible for a woman to be highly intellectual without being "girly," but I have generally found that woman who are highly intellectual in the same way that men are tend to be merely carbon-copies of men. They may be obviously female, but they are not feminine women: They are not gentle or sensitive, they are not loving or kind, and they often are not interested in romantic relationships whatsoever. It behooves the highly-intellectual man who is trying to forge a relationshp with a woman to understand what it is that makes a woman a "woman." Very rarely does he simply want a female clone of himself, for there would be no need for such an intellectual partner to be female: One could simply find any man from any major university campus to fill an intellectual partnership. The reason why we, as men, love women is because even if they are strong, they are still delicate and gentle; even if they are independent, they are still loving and romantic; even if they are intelligent and mature, they are sometimes silly and girlish. Women are an important element in any man's life because they appreciate the finer and more subtle things in life, even if they demand respect as rational and logical thinkers. It's important to embrace this dual nature not as a weakness, but as a strength, and a welcome element in our lives.
I recently got to know a woman whom I've known for a while, but whom I initially dismissed in the back of my mind as "just another cutesy girl" because on the instant-messaging program I used to talk to her, her profile picture was of Ariel from Disney's The Little Mermaid. I don't particularly have anything against Ariel as a character, Disney as a studio, or The Little Mermaid as a movie, but I'll admit that there are certain stereotypes and prejudices I allowed myself to mentally associate with this woman based on her choice of a character from a children's cartoon for her user avatar. It was only recently that I discovered that this woman is actually highly intelligent and cultured, reads more books than I do, and allows herself to be an arrogant snob because of this (always an appealing trait for me). My initial reaction based on the picture of Ariel was way off; the woman in question is unabashedly female and does things like paint her fingernails, but this does not preclude the possibility of her being intellectual. In your own relationships with women, you will run into this same situation: Women do appreciate things which are cute and silly. Do not think less of any woman for this; be accepting and tolerant of it, lest she think less of you for not appreciating such things.
Make time, and use that time to work at it
Highly-intellectual people have a strong tendency to get bogged down in their intellectual work and disappear into it for long periods of time. I'm not talking "long periods" as in hours at a time--a study period of only a few hours is on the short side. Days or even months of pursuing a particular intellectual angle are a recurring pattern for you. (And if they're not, then this article isn't written for you.) This is understandable, since focus and dedication are necessary to be an effective intellectual, but it's necessary to understand that a serious relationship requires regular time as well. A relationship which is regularly neglected for months at a time will disintegrate rather quickly; you can ask your partner to be patient with you and understand that you'll come back to them when your current "project" is complete, but whether they'll actually be willing to wait that long is another matter. Few women are willing to tolerate being ignored by their partner for months at a time while that partner finishes the latest book they're writing or the latest theory they're formulating.
I defer, at this point, to the brilliant movie Pi and the line forcefully imposed upon Max by Sol: When Sol tells the story of how Archimedes' wife was instrumental in getting Archimedes to reach his famous breakthrough, Max dismisses the significance of the wife entirely, to which Sol emphatically replies: "The point of the story is the wife. You listen to your wife. She will give you perspective, meaning: you need a break."
Every genius must learn this lesson if they don't wish to be alone for the rest of their lives. Once again, you need to decide what is truly important to you: If your work is the most important thing in your life, then that's fine; you can devote yourself to it. Eventually your partner will take the hint and leave. If your partner has any value to you, however, you will need to show that to her. This leads me to the next point...
Give her what she wants
Practically speaking, nearly every woman primarily wants two things from a relationship: Comfort and reassurance. (Again, this is obviously a highly heteronormative statement, but I say it simply because in everyday life, it is generally the truth.) If you can consistently give a woman those two things, she's likely to stay with you. This may seem like a trivialization at first, but it's really the truth: What every woman wants from their partner is simply the assurance that she is important to them, that they value her in their life and want to show her that she's important to them. If you can make a woman feel important, valued, appreciated, and loved, there's a good chance that she'll stay with you forever.
The truly intellectual man has only two things they really require from their partner. First, she must also be highly intellectual, which usually means reading a lot of books and avoiding things like television, partying, fashion, and so on. Secondly, she must be absolutely devoted to you, which usually means no going out with friends, no "girl talk" with friends, and so on. To a man, that might not seem like a lot to ask for, but to a woman, it is; women have an innate desire for two things from their everyday lives: Fun, and spending casual time with other people. The intellectual man demands the elimination of both of these things from life. That is a hell of a lot to ask from any woman; it essentially means asking them to give up everything that they value in their life for you. If any woman is willing to do that for you, the least you can do is reciprocate by giving her what she wants. Take the time to be with her. Make the effort to connect with her, to show her that she really is important to you, that you really do love her, and that she is a valuable part of your life. If she isn't actually important enough to you for you to bother making time for her, then you can save the two of you some heartbreak by letting her know that in advance.
One thing I do want to add is that single people often have a habit of viewing other people entirely as romantic prospects: A single man who meets a woman is likely to immediately begin evaluating her as a prospective girlfriend or wife, and reject her as not worth getting to know if she does not seem like a good fit for this role. This is perhaps a natural tendency for someone who only wishes to be close to a single person, but this is also a rather limiting way of looking at other people. I've been making efforts to not immediately think of women I meet in this way, and this year, I've had several extremely rewarding friendships with women who would not have been ideal partners for me, but who were nonetheless interesting to get to know and talk to. To eliminate an entire gender of people from one's friendships and regard them only as romantic or sexual prospects is to close oneself off to a world of growth opportunities--even if you don't end up "dating" all of the women you talk to, you will learn a lot about people and about women, which will not only make you a more understanding and informed person, but may also be useful in the future when you are with someone who is romantically interesting. People woefully speak of being "friendzoned," as if being "just friends" with a woman is a terrible fate, when in fact to have a woman for a friend is something wonderful and valuable. Stop seeing women only as people to marry or date; if you can prove that men and women really can be "just friends," you'll have better friendships, and you're more likely to have some success in your romantic life too.
